Met Dearie just now after zohor. Initially the plan was to go and find the boards again and then go to the library. But at the last minute, before we went out, my aunt called, and had asked if me and Dearie could go over to her house at Woodlands, my cousin's computer was having problems. If my cousin's computer was having problems or difficulties, they would always ask Dearie to check it out. Hehehe....
But that is not the main reason why I am blogging now. Right now, I am feeling really nervous, guilty, anxious, all rolled into one. The reason....
When we left my aunt's place, before going home, we headed to Causeway Point bcoz I needed to but the boards and also to top up my EZlink card. In my heart, I was worried, do I have enough money to top up my card after paying for the boards? But I kept those thoughts to myself, I did not want Dearie to feel burdened by me. But somehow, when I had wanted to pay for the boards, at the cashier, Dearie took out his ATM card and paid for those. I was shocked, bcoz I had already took out my ATM card. But Dearie insisted to pay even when I tried to pass my ATM card to the cashier. I was so dumbfounded and shocked, and guilty. Not only that, when I wanted to top up the card, Dearie asked me to pass to him my card, and he topped up for me, yet again. I felt like crying at that point of time, in fact, tears were already in my eyes. I did not know what to think. First of all, I felt guilty, in my heart, I said to myself, "How is Dearie gonna save up if he keeps on doing this for me?" I kept on saying to Dearie that I am so sorry I always trouble him etc, but Dearie only said this, "I just wanna help you." I feel so touched and blessed to have such a caring guy in my life.
Then, the biggest shock yet in my life. In the bus, I was telling Dearie that in any case if I am not able to save up enough for our wedding expenses, I mean for my side, I would take up a loan from maybe Ezycash etc. I had thought about it last night, in fact, I had thought about it for a few times already. My pay is not that high, and I have many loans to pay. The laptop, my studies loan, and other expenses. Minus off from my pay, I have very little or no savings at all. Then, I actually started to cry, right there in the bus. Because me and Dearie did some calculations in the bus, counting how much I would be able to save each month. When I saw that it was such a pathetic amount, I was too worried and stressed, that I started to cry, right there and then. It was at that moment when Dearie said to me that each month, Dearie would give me $100 to save, and that if required, Dearie would also help me in terms of my transportation expenses. I was shocked, again. And I cried, yet again. Then I asked Dearie, in fact, I asked him quite a few times, "Are you sure? $100... Thats a lot..." I did not want to affect Dearie's savings anymore. But Dearie said its for our sake, for our future, he does not want me to be left stranded without any savings. I was very nervous and guilty deep inside. I even told Dearie, I am so sorry, I now working also I still need help from Dearie. I now only pray that things will be better for me. Hopefully once my loans are all cleared, I wont be in a state where Dearie still must help me. I am sooo guilty, I feel sooo guilty.
Thats why I am now so nervous, guilty, etc. First, its because of the money. I pray that I am able to save up enough when the moment has come, and I am pretty excited as well, because time flies quite fast without us realising it, and soon the time will come when me and Dearie will get engaged and married!! But now, what I should focus on is my savings, that comes first now.
Dearie, just wanna tell you again, thank you very, very, very much.... I am so happy and blessed to have met you, and to have you now in my life... Love you always and always... Muackz!
